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June 8, 2013
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Your words are not
sterling, they are stabbing,
stinging syllables
that slice through
stitches, leaving wounds
exposed.
This is a short poem even for me.

Comments are appreciated, especially about whether or not you think the alliteration is too much? And just in general.
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Jun 30, 2013  Professional Writer
This is perfect, well done!
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Jun 28, 2013  Student Writer
I definitely didn't think the alliteration was too much. :) I only felt like the 'exposed' was a bit out of place, but then again, it also wasn't. I can't explain. :stare:
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, the exposed thing is tricky. On one hand, I feel like you're right, but the S sound in X plus the soft S later on kind of makes it fit as well... So I'm not sure whether it's good from a technical standpoint. I personally like it, but I see where you're coming from.
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:iconconcora:
Concora Jun 15, 2013   Writer
This piece has been featured in #The-Asterismos' weekly Showcase [here].

Please support your fellow featured deviants, and thank you for sharing your wonderful work with the group! :thanks: :heart:
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:iconserenecyrene:
SereneCyrene Jun 11, 2013  Student General Artist
Lovely poem! I also like the alliteration you used here. :D
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :D
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Jun 11, 2013  Student Writer
POSITIVE: Lovely, lovely lovely sibilance here. I don't think there's any problem with it, it all makes it as smooth as oil. As if you needed any more help with pace xD
Also, more dark, Gothic imagery here which is nice. "slice through stitches," and "words are not sterling, they are stabbing," pack a good punch.

NEGATIVE: I don't really know why, but "exposed" seems a bit.. off. It might be because I'm so used to the sibilance in the poem the clash of the letter "e"makes it sound a bit too alien or just my silly mind, but that's something.

Overall though, great stuff as usual!
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'll take another look at 'exposed' to see if there's a better word I could have used; I still personally like it, but this wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong about something like that.
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:iconunthai:
UnThai Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Evening (HuntingForHappiness),

I understand the undeniable love for longer set poetry, but of course there are those moments when simplicity is better voiced than those that are broad. For the attention of some may see this as artistic, while others may draw to it negatively. I on the other hand have much liking to your poem Silver tongue

Firstly, I adore the fact that this title has nothing to do with the poem itself. But rather reflects where the subdued pain is coming from. A sliver (titanium) tongue... A bit of color--I like to call it. Its not distracting, but blend perfectly with your short stanza.

"Your words are not sterling, they are stabbing..."
"Sting syllables..."
"That slice through stitches..."
"Leaving wounds exposed..."

Reading your poem this way reminds me of a valued lover who's been coasted aside by a mistress she'd always knew of... Only to be lied to by her lover's words... And so, she kills. Without the blink of an eyes she leaves scars. But these scars, of course, can never be healed--there are stitches from words left upon her heart and she is left exposed to the revelation of her dilemma.

Her syllables are--perhaps stuck? All within the flaming atmosphere? As her love is engulfed in flames.

Also, one more note.

Never think what you've written is too little or too much. We were all made to create--and what is created can only be made on an individual basis. Whatever you create is you--and if you feel the need to revise, well that's alright. That's the process of creating and exploring yourself. But, no dear, your alliteration isn't much.

For Ex: One who reads your work slowly--would better comprehend how your words are expressed. Just how they are placed. Which is why it's important for structure within a poem. Where as in if someone were to read your work hastily, they would probably misunderstand your use for alliteration.



Thank you for posting Silver tongue





:jsenn: Un Thai
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