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Submitted on
April 5, 2012
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Hammering heartbeats
Shatter the silken silence
Of once-dreamless sleep
Written about the strange time after waking up from nightmares.

I had some other title ideas, too: either Heartbeats or Nightmares. Do you think one of those would be better?

Also, since I wrote this quickly while rather tired: does it make sense?
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:iconakhenaten-aten:
Akhenaten-Aten Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012
I would have called it "The Nightmare" but either way.. the piece is well done hence it matters not what it is called. I love the use of alliteration. The harsh 'H' sounds really add to the impact of the first line and the 'Shatter' that cuts into the piece at the beginning of the second.. in contrast to the softer 'S's which really capture what has been interrupted by the dream. Silken silence is a beautiful expression.

I disagree with the other commenter; in my opinion it is clear what you are meaning by 'once-dreamless sleep'. I wouldn't change it, personally. Tis far from simple and vague when someone is able to capture the impact, the feeling, the scene itself!.. with just three lines.
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you liked the alliteration; for me, that's what really makes this one. It's one of my few poems that sounds really nice spoken out loud, so I'm quite proud of it in that sense.

It's great to hear that you saw/felt the scene like you did; 'simple and vague' had me a bit concerned!

Anyway, thanks for the comment; appreciated as always.
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:iconr00-ha-ha:
R00-ha-ha Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm a little skeptical of your use of the word "dreamless", if this is a poem about waking up after a nightmare. But other than that, it's a very nice Haiku. Simple and still vague, I guess, is a nice change from many of the other poems on this website :P
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I definitely see where you're coming from with the dreamless thing. I figured having it be "once-dreamless" would make it a bit clearer, but if it doesn't, I should probably fix that.

Thanks for the comment!
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:iconr00-ha-ha:
R00-ha-ha Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student General Artist
No problem :) I think I read it as that once being the one that he was just woken from, so that may just be because of me.
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:iconr00-ha-ha:
R00-ha-ha Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student General Artist
Er, he, she. The speaker x)
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