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About Literature / Hobbyist Premium Member ElijahMale/Canada Groups :icongrammarnazicritiques: GrammarNaziCritiques
Truth can be harsher in a Crit
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I have points and nothing to spend them on, so I was thinking I would get a (points) commission from someone (or some people). Any suggestions?
100%
1 deviant said Thanks, and I hope you're all having a great December!
0%
No deviants said You can suggest yourself or someone else, both are fantastic.
So this critique is way overdue (really sorry about that), but not for lack of enthusiasm about this poem, because this is fantastic.

Your imagery is strong throughout, and the story you're telling is compelling. Some parts are more powerful than others while some seem like they might work just as well in poems of their own, but overall I love the collection of vignettes you've compiled here to make something really evocative. The last line really draws it together in an interesting and sad way as well, because you go from quite a bit of abstract/vivid imagery and language right into a completely unadorned and painfully real closer. It grounds the piece, in a sense, and for me I think it adds to the appeal by bringing it beyond the more complex and metaphorical style which is super fun to write, and also enjoyable to read, but can be overwhelming when there's no counter-balance. Some other lines do this as well, but the last one I think was the most striking, possibly because it was right at the end.

The main criticism I do have of this is that I personally would have done the line breaks differently, but that is also largely a matter of personal preference. I'm a strong believer in the use of line breaks to create and enhance as much meaning as possible, so I always look closely at them when reading. I'm not gonna give you too much unsolicited advice on how exactly to go about this, since you're your own writer with your own style, but I do recommend that you look into it, not only because it can improve your writing, but it actually adds a lot of fun to the writing process. And if you do want some more specific examples, about line breaks or anything at all you have a question about regarding this poem/critique, please feel free to ask. It's the least I can do after such a delayed critique.

Keep up the great writing!
So today is Suicide Prevention Day, as you might know.  And although I do know my stance on it, it seems like with each passing year over the last while, it's been harder to be 100% sure all the time.  Suicide has always been a pretty big part of my life, and as I write this, no living individual currently knows everything this journal will say.  It'll be dark.  If that doesn't interest you, I understand– I just feel like writing this+getting it off my chest anyway.  If you are currently feeling suicidal, the only part of this journal you should probably read is the last paragraph, if anything.

Although I've had on-and-off suicidal thoughts since I was about 12 till now, and suicide attempts by my mother were not uncommon, the issue became more real than ever two years (and eighteen days) ago when she succeeded.  It was strange.  Because a lot of the time you'll hear people saying, you know, "I never saw this coming, s/he was such a bright person" or whatever, but it really wasn't like that for me.  The consensus between my father and myself was that it was "shocking, but not surprising."  We both saw it coming.

So what does that say about me and suicide prevention?  Aside from that I was more bark than bite and a (relatively) bad son to boot, I don't really know.  I've always supported the right-to-die movement, which has been going on for a while in Canada now, so it has occurred to me that I have somewhat of a conflict of interest: although I think people have the right to end their lives, I would very much rather they not.  I saw my mother's self-destruction, and knew that she would very likely kill herself at some point, but I didn't let that stop me from largely rejecting her in her last years because of her treatment of me, which I perceived as manipulative at best, and perhaps it was.  Another thing I'll never know for sure. 

What this means is that I have never actually been good at suicide prevention when it mattered.  Postponement, absolutely, but I'll get to that later.

That said, postponement does bring me to my second suicide prevention failure.  On May 8th of this year, my very dear friend JakesException took his life.  I've never spoken about it on this account due to how personal it is, but depending on who you watch on here, you may have heard about his loss.  He was a phenomenal person and poet, although very troubled.  Similar to my thoughts on my mother's mental health when she was alive, Jake was certain that he would die by suicide.  I worked hard to change his mind about this, because not only had I become pretty gung-ho about suicide prevention after the loss of my mother, but even besides that, he was just a really special person to me, and I let him know it, even though he had a hard time believing it. 

So, postponement.  Jake and I did have a falling out for a few months, and when we started talking again after that time, he had gotten a fair bit worse.  This also marks the second time in as many years that I rejected someone and they died.  Figures.  Anyway, I continued to try to help him, but I got the sinking feeling that he may have been right all that time ago.  Still, a lot of our talks were about his suicidality, and I would try to talk him out of it, despite that nagging thought.  Obviously, it ended up not working, and among everything else, the fear emerged that suicide prevention may not be as possible as I had thought.  Both Jake and my mother lasted longer than they would have without me (they said as much, so it's not my ego), but in the end neither could stay alive.  Postponement is the best I've been able to do.

The thought that the best I can do is delay the horrifying and tragic is, well, horrifying to me.  It's hard not to internalize those kinds of things as failures, and I absolutely have.  Jake was actually a big help in me overcome my guilt regarding my mother, ironically enough.  Like a bad habit though, it's come back lately, partly because of his own death and my failure to do more to actually stop it.

So my thoughts and feelings this Suicide Prevention Day are conflicted.  Of course I support the cause, but my faith in its possibility wavers so much that I don't know if I can believe in it.  That will never stop me from doing what I can to help those in need to the best of my ability, but I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the fear that I may simply be prolonging their suffering by putting off their end.  This is a horrible way to think, and I'm truly and thoroughly disgusted at myself for it, I don't know how else I'm supposed to feel given my experiences.

I don't want it to be Suicide Postponement Day, though.  And if you are in need, or know somebody who is, please seek help regardless.  Prove me wrong.  You are worth infinitely more than you realize, and this journal is not meant to promote suicide or say that it's the only option.  And I may take this back down if I decide –or someone tells me– that that message is too prevalent in this journal, but until then: please stay safe, and seek the help you need.  The only one who can prevent your suicide is you, and I can tell you from experience that it is worth it, as are you.  You are beautiful and deserve all the beautiful things the world has to offer.  Your brain may tell you otherwise, but it is true.  There are plenty of resources, and you are not alone. 

Stay safe,
  • Mood: Remorse
I haven't been really active around here lately aside from ghosting around every once in a while, answering messages here and there.  I know part of where this dry spell came from, but not all.  In any case, what it means is that I have barely talked to any of you at all!  I also deleted nearly my entire message center, with a few exceptions, so if there's something you want me to read or comment on or whatever, let me know. 

Anyway, all of this is a awkward roundabout preamble to me asking how all of you are doing!  I don't engage with you guys or this site enough and it's totally my fault, but I hope that this time I will be able to maintain more of a presence than I have been.  Even though the school year and the associated time consumption are fast approaching, I feel like even that will help me with my consistency and quality as a human being in general, on- and off-line.

Hope you're all well,
Elijah



p.s. fun fact: in the mood section of the journal thing, "high" is listed in the "daily needs" category.  bless you, dA.
  • Mood: dA Love
  • Listening to: Ling tosite sigure
  • Reading: Jumper
More sirens sing than angels in this town,
and seduction'll bring you higher than saints;
so stay bold, and keep morality faint
if you're headed anywhere but the ground.
Keep your enemies close, till you can feel
their heartbeat, feel how it always races
when you drop your act, forget which faces
to keep up, and wonder which ones are real.
'Cause kid, if you can't tell, nobody will.
Let each smile, wink, word, and every caress
make it so that they, and you, know you less.
And when it's time –you'll know– go for the kill.
'Cause there's only one way out, and it's through;
or the one left singing'll never be you.
Fatale
Figured a noir-themed Italian sonnet was as good a way to come back as any.  Hopefully that aspect of it came through and this actually made sense.  That first line has been kicking around in my head for ages, so it feels good to have given it a home finally.  This probably isn't my best work, but it was fun to write and I think it came out alright.  Far better than the one I wrote (and scrapped) before it. 

Comments are welcome and appreciated.
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So today is Suicide Prevention Day, as you might know.  And although I do know my stance on it, it seems like with each passing year over the last while, it's been harder to be 100% sure all the time.  Suicide has always been a pretty big part of my life, and as I write this, no living individual currently knows everything this journal will say.  It'll be dark.  If that doesn't interest you, I understand– I just feel like writing this+getting it off my chest anyway.  If you are currently feeling suicidal, the only part of this journal you should probably read is the last paragraph, if anything.

Although I've had on-and-off suicidal thoughts since I was about 12 till now, and suicide attempts by my mother were not uncommon, the issue became more real than ever two years (and eighteen days) ago when she succeeded.  It was strange.  Because a lot of the time you'll hear people saying, you know, "I never saw this coming, s/he was such a bright person" or whatever, but it really wasn't like that for me.  The consensus between my father and myself was that it was "shocking, but not surprising."  We both saw it coming.

So what does that say about me and suicide prevention?  Aside from that I was more bark than bite and a (relatively) bad son to boot, I don't really know.  I've always supported the right-to-die movement, which has been going on for a while in Canada now, so it has occurred to me that I have somewhat of a conflict of interest: although I think people have the right to end their lives, I would very much rather they not.  I saw my mother's self-destruction, and knew that she would very likely kill herself at some point, but I didn't let that stop me from largely rejecting her in her last years because of her treatment of me, which I perceived as manipulative at best, and perhaps it was.  Another thing I'll never know for sure. 

What this means is that I have never actually been good at suicide prevention when it mattered.  Postponement, absolutely, but I'll get to that later.

That said, postponement does bring me to my second suicide prevention failure.  On May 8th of this year, my very dear friend JakesException took his life.  I've never spoken about it on this account due to how personal it is, but depending on who you watch on here, you may have heard about his loss.  He was a phenomenal person and poet, although very troubled.  Similar to my thoughts on my mother's mental health when she was alive, Jake was certain that he would die by suicide.  I worked hard to change his mind about this, because not only had I become pretty gung-ho about suicide prevention after the loss of my mother, but even besides that, he was just a really special person to me, and I let him know it, even though he had a hard time believing it. 

So, postponement.  Jake and I did have a falling out for a few months, and when we started talking again after that time, he had gotten a fair bit worse.  This also marks the second time in as many years that I rejected someone and they died.  Figures.  Anyway, I continued to try to help him, but I got the sinking feeling that he may have been right all that time ago.  Still, a lot of our talks were about his suicidality, and I would try to talk him out of it, despite that nagging thought.  Obviously, it ended up not working, and among everything else, the fear emerged that suicide prevention may not be as possible as I had thought.  Both Jake and my mother lasted longer than they would have without me (they said as much, so it's not my ego), but in the end neither could stay alive.  Postponement is the best I've been able to do.

The thought that the best I can do is delay the horrifying and tragic is, well, horrifying to me.  It's hard not to internalize those kinds of things as failures, and I absolutely have.  Jake was actually a big help in me overcome my guilt regarding my mother, ironically enough.  Like a bad habit though, it's come back lately, partly because of his own death and my failure to do more to actually stop it.

So my thoughts and feelings this Suicide Prevention Day are conflicted.  Of course I support the cause, but my faith in its possibility wavers so much that I don't know if I can believe in it.  That will never stop me from doing what I can to help those in need to the best of my ability, but I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the fear that I may simply be prolonging their suffering by putting off their end.  This is a horrible way to think, and I'm truly and thoroughly disgusted at myself for it, I don't know how else I'm supposed to feel given my experiences.

I don't want it to be Suicide Postponement Day, though.  And if you are in need, or know somebody who is, please seek help regardless.  Prove me wrong.  You are worth infinitely more than you realize, and this journal is not meant to promote suicide or say that it's the only option.  And I may take this back down if I decide –or someone tells me– that that message is too prevalent in this journal, but until then: please stay safe, and seek the help you need.  The only one who can prevent your suicide is you, and I can tell you from experience that it is worth it, as are you.  You are beautiful and deserve all the beautiful things the world has to offer.  Your brain may tell you otherwise, but it is true.  There are plenty of resources, and you are not alone. 

Stay safe,
  • Mood: Remorse

I have points and nothing to spend them on, so I was thinking I would get a (points) commission from someone (or some people). Any suggestions? 

100%
1 deviant said Thanks, and I hope you're all having a great December!
0%
No deviants said You can suggest yourself or someone else, both are fantastic.

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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
I have a favor to ask... and that is if you can you unblock me from Jake's profile? I feel like I've never been able to tell him how much he meant to me but I wanted to respect that he had blocked me.
Reply
:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
I just checked, and you're not on his block list.  Which you may have noticed since it looks like you rewatched him since sending this.  In any case, I think that he cared quite a bit about what you think, whatever he said to you, so now can be as good a time as any to leave some feelings by his page if you want to.  I've been thinking about him a lot lately too.  Comes with the season, maybe.
Reply
:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
At one point we had each other blocked. I don't know when he undid it, but I'm touched he did.

Yah, I think it does come with the season, strangely enough.
Reply
:iconchriseastmids:
chriseastmids Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
many thanks for the watch :D ... its a bit of a journey thats a fact :D
Reply
:iconjackofalltrades0097:
jackofalltrades0097 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:hugs: This is just a quick Thank you for joining Authors-Club!   We are so glad to have you join our group and adding our work to our collection! 

On behalf of the group, here's just a little bit of information as to what we're about! :


-- We support the literature community of Deviant Art by creating a safe, creative atmosphere for artists to come together and make connections with one another.

-- Are you a little lost as to how to get involved in the writing side of DA? Take a look at this helpful guide, How to get started with the Lit Community.  It's got some wonderful advice and has helped many a deviant get their feet wet, so to speak, in the lit world!

-- We also opened up a chatroom!!  We try to have meet ups in there twice a week, with Critique Corner on Wednesday and a General Chat on Friday.  We'll give a little mini announcement whenever the group opens it up!

-- Before you start submitting, please familiarize yourself with our Submission Rules! This is just to make sure everyone's on the same page as far as contributing work goes, and helps keep the group running smoothly!

Again, thank you so much for joining our club! If you need anything at all, do not be afraid to ask! Wither it be about our club, or even about the going on's in Deviant Art!  

I hope that you enjoy this group and if at any time you have questions, concerns, or ideas please contact me jackofalltrades0097 , or any of the other admin!  We're here to help!
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:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the welcome!  Although I missed your contest, I look forward to participating in the group. :D
Reply
:iconchriseastmids:
chriseastmids Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you for the fave ad :D
Reply
:iconhuntingforhappiness:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure!  It's a really fantastic picture.
Reply
:iconchriseastmids:
chriseastmids Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you :D
Reply
:iconxlustrous:
xLustrous Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav :)
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