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About Literature / Hobbyist Core Member HuntingForHappinessMale/Canada Groups :iconspreading-awareness: Spreading-Awareness
Because the world needs to know.
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Deviant for 3 Years
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Given by JakesException
Statistics 86 Deviations 1,216 Comments 13,822 Pageviews

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Grind your teeth and clear your tattered mind.
Mind your business; get back to the grind.
Project indifference, don't be the reject;
reject the notion that you're our project.
Hear the whispers, but have no fear–
fear the things you do not hear.
I don't know what I'm thinking these days.

This is a submission to ProjectDFC's February Form Fiesta.  There are several forms to choose from and I might do another one later, but this one is called a Mirror Sestet.  Each set of two lines has the first one with the first and last word rhyming, and the second one with the two words in the opposite order, and each stanza (if you have more than one) has to be six lines.  It was tough following those guidelines and trying to maintain rhythm as well, so I'm not a pro yet at this (or anything), though it was fun.  I'll probably do more, especially since I saw after that the rhyme is technically optional for this form.  The title is tentative because I really wasn't sure what to call it.  It works on more than one level though, so who knows. 

Comments are welcome and appreciated.
Find me by looking
for the lack; my home
is the negative space.

Be the kidnapper.
Remind me the names
of the colours, and contrast me.
I'll complement you.

Because I've been out
of the loop for long enough
to know what it means
to be part of a cycle.
And I know you've forgotten.

I remember we were in love.
We were, in love,
the worst that we could be,
but better than nothing;
better than this.

The abyss doesn't look into you.
Eye contact is too good
for us, it said in tongues.
And even though I contact
the outside, they do not
hear me.  Do not see me.

Hell, neither do I.
Pleas from Nowhere
This is better than that last thing I submitted, anyway.  What a mess.

Comments are welcome and appreciated!
I have points and nothing to spend them on, so I was thinking I would get a (points) commission from someone (or some people). Any suggestions?
1 deviant said You can suggest yourself or someone else, both are fantastic.
1 deviant said Thanks, and I hope you're all having a great December!
So this critique is way overdue (really sorry about that), but not for lack of enthusiasm about this poem, because this is fantastic.

Your imagery is strong throughout, and the story you're telling is compelling. Some parts are more powerful than others while some seem like they might work just as well in poems of their own, but overall I love the collection of vignettes you've compiled here to make something really evocative. The last line really draws it together in an interesting and sad way as well, because you go from quite a bit of abstract/vivid imagery and language right into a completely unadorned and painfully real closer. It grounds the piece, in a sense, and for me I think it adds to the appeal by bringing it beyond the more complex and metaphorical style which is super fun to write, and also enjoyable to read, but can be overwhelming when there's no counter-balance. Some other lines do this as well, but the last one I think was the most striking, possibly because it was right at the end.

The main criticism I do have of this is that I personally would have done the line breaks differently, but that is also largely a matter of personal preference. I'm a strong believer in the use of line breaks to create and enhance as much meaning as possible, so I always look closely at them when reading. I'm not gonna give you too much unsolicited advice on how exactly to go about this, since you're your own writer with your own style, but I do recommend that you look into it, not only because it can improve your writing, but it actually adds a lot of fun to the writing process. And if you do want some more specific examples, about line breaks or anything at all you have a question about regarding this poem/critique, please feel free to ask. It's the least I can do after such a delayed critique.

Keep up the great writing!
So today is Suicide Prevention Day, as you might know.  And although I do know my stance on it, it seems like with each passing year over the last while, it's been harder to be 100% sure all the time.  Suicide has always been a pretty big part of my life, and as I write this, no living individual currently knows everything this journal will say.  It'll be dark.  If that doesn't interest you, I understand– I just feel like writing this+getting it off my chest anyway.  If you are currently feeling suicidal, the only part of this journal you should probably read is the last paragraph, if anything.

Although I've had on-and-off suicidal thoughts since I was about 12 till now, and suicide attempts by my mother were not uncommon, the issue became more real than ever two years (and eighteen days) ago when she succeeded.  It was strange.  Because a lot of the time you'll hear people saying, you know, "I never saw this coming, s/he was such a bright person" or whatever, but it really wasn't like that for me.  The consensus between my father and myself was that it was "shocking, but not surprising."  We both saw it coming.

So what does that say about me and suicide prevention?  Aside from that I was more bark than bite and a (relatively) bad son to boot, I don't really know.  I've always supported the right-to-die movement, which has been going on for a while in Canada now, so it has occurred to me that I have somewhat of a conflict of interest: although I think people have the right to end their lives, I would very much rather they not.  I saw my mother's self-destruction, and knew that she would very likely kill herself at some point, but I didn't let that stop me from largely rejecting her in her last years because of her treatment of me, which I perceived as manipulative at best, and perhaps it was.  Another thing I'll never know for sure. 

What this means is that I have never actually been good at suicide prevention when it mattered.  Postponement, absolutely, but I'll get to that later.

That said, postponement does bring me to my second suicide prevention failure.  On May 8th of this year, my very dear friend JakesException took his life.  I've never spoken about it on this account due to how personal it is, but depending on who you watch on here, you may have heard about his loss.  He was a phenomenal person and poet, although very troubled.  Similar to my thoughts on my mother's mental health when she was alive, Jake was certain that he would die by suicide.  I worked hard to change his mind about this, because not only had I become pretty gung-ho about suicide prevention after the loss of my mother, but even besides that, he was just a really special person to me, and I let him know it, even though he had a hard time believing it. 

So, postponement.  Jake and I did have a falling out for a few months, and when we started talking again after that time, he had gotten a fair bit worse.  This also marks the second time in as many years that I rejected someone and they died.  Figures.  Anyway, I continued to try to help him, but I got the sinking feeling that he may have been right all that time ago.  Still, a lot of our talks were about his suicidality, and I would try to talk him out of it, despite that nagging thought.  Obviously, it ended up not working, and among everything else, the fear emerged that suicide prevention may not be as possible as I had thought.  Both Jake and my mother lasted longer than they would have without me (they said as much, so it's not my ego), but in the end neither could stay alive.  Postponement is the best I've been able to do.

The thought that the best I can do is delay the horrifying and tragic is, well, horrifying to me.  It's hard not to internalize those kinds of things as failures, and I absolutely have.  Jake was actually a big help in me overcome my guilt regarding my mother, ironically enough.  Like a bad habit though, it's come back lately, partly because of his own death and my failure to do more to actually stop it.

So my thoughts and feelings this Suicide Prevention Day are conflicted.  Of course I support the cause, but my faith in its possibility wavers so much that I don't know if I can believe in it.  That will never stop me from doing what I can to help those in need to the best of my ability, but I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the fear that I may simply be prolonging their suffering by putting off their end.  This is a horrible way to think, and I'm truly and thoroughly disgusted at myself for it, I don't know how else I'm supposed to feel given my experiences.

I don't want it to be Suicide Postponement Day, though.  And if you are in need, or know somebody who is, please seek help regardless.  Prove me wrong.  You are worth infinitely more than you realize, and this journal is not meant to promote suicide or say that it's the only option.  And I may take this back down if I decide –or someone tells me– that that message is too prevalent in this journal, but until then: please stay safe, and seek the help you need.  The only one who can prevent your suicide is you, and I can tell you from experience that it is worth it, as are you.  You are beautiful and deserve all the beautiful things the world has to offer.  Your brain may tell you otherwise, but it is true.  There are plenty of resources, and you are not alone. 

Stay safe,
  • Mood: Remorse


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Midnitez-REMIX Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hello there,

We at :icontoronto: wanted to let you know our next DeviantArt Meet is coming soon! We will be headed to an art fair followed by dinner out on April 19th and we would love to have you come. Come on your own or with a friend; whatever is most comfortable to you. If you can come or can probably come please RSVP; even if only for part of the event. And if something comes up that means you can't make it just drop by the group and give a comment.

Event Information:…

RSVP Page:…

If you can't make it this time we hope to maybe see you the next time! :D

johnthesavage8 Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2015
Thanks for the watch, maybe I'll actually get around to posting more stuff on this account again (this FFF stuff has been the most DA activity I've been involved in for three years or something).
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, and thank you as well!  I hope that you will; the AAA challenge looks interesting, and they're apparently planning something fun for May as well, so that's where my inspiration'll be coming from for the next couple months (these days I barely ever write unprompted).
RJBG Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2015
Sheer genius, brilliance!
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Edited Feb 22, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!  It's always nice to hear that someone's been enjoying my work (and thank you for the watch as well).
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Student Writer
Happy birthday, I hope you've had an amazing day! :party:
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!  I hope you had a great day too! :D
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Student Writer
Aaah and the next holiday is already upon us! Merry Christmas!! :D :iconsantalaplz:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday, Elijah! 
HuntingForHappiness Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!  I hope you're doing well and enjoying the holidays!
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